Ask this old house

     I watch a show on our local PBS station called Ask This Old House, it is a pretty interesting show where a group of contractors travels around the country helping homeowners fix their dilapidated old houses.  Being one of those homeowners I often find myself wondering what my old house would say if I asked it how it was doing.  I'm pretty sure it would simply say thank you!

     We have spent tireless hours in the last two years doing everything we can to not only make this house our home, but also to try to revive it to the glory it held as a new house in the early 1930's.  We've gone through just about every room in the house and much of the outside, covering everything from painting to exterior finishes, and little by little it's all coming together.  Our largest task of all has been turning our empty unfinished basement into a third bedroom and second bathroom!  This project started last June with cutting in the egress window for the bedroom, and now we have finally reached the sheet rock stage, which means we can see the light at the end of the tunnel!  

     Now that we're this far along every time I get tired or sore and start to think about wether or not we made the right decision, all I have to do is ask this old house what it thinks, I can almost hear it say thank you, thank you for making me feel young again!  The closer we get to making this house all that it can be the more I have to remind myself that all the hard work we are putting into it will not go to waste, that not just our family but many others down the road may live in her and love on her in the same maner that we have!  Someday a I just wish my progress would move as quickly as the shows progress, if only I could figure out how to take a commercial break in life:)

Remember, houses are just like people, they will not make it without a little love!:)

Healing

     I'm not quite sure who "they" are, but "they" say that time heals all wounds.  I suppose they are generally correct in this statement but they leave out one tiny little detail, they don't tell you how much time it will take:)  It has been two weeks since my baby girl Duchess went to heaven and although things have gotten better each day, I don't know if any amount of time in the world will ever heal this would completely.  We have done a really good job of focusing on the extraordinary life that she had instead of the last few months which has helped a lot, but my heart still hurts a little every time I think about her.  I suppose this is perfectly natural and probably just a reminder that "they" were also right when they said she will never be forgotten.  How could she be?

     I have been blessed over the past couple weeks to receive countless phone calls and texts from friends and family expressing to me how Duchess had touched their lives.  Many of these people have shared a memory they have of her while bird hunting that had stuck in their heads and will continue to forever.  I realized after listeneing to a few of these stories that I should no longer be sad to have lost my best friend, I should be proud to have been lucky enough to be the guy chosen to be her dad!  I was lucky enough to be the guy who got to show Duch all the different waterfowl hunting spots that I did and put her in the position to be able to shine while retrieving, the one thing in life she lived to do!  These people had not only opened my eyes to how Duchess had touched their lives, but they made me think about all of the great times we had together.  

     I was talking to a cousin of mine a few days after my revelation and we were discussing why this is such a huge phase in the grieving process and although it is arguably the point we all hope to get to, it is the most difficult phase to reach!  I think when a loved one of ours passes away it often takes way more than a few phone calls telling us how great this person was to get to this point.  I don't know why.  We spend our entire time on this planet doing the best we can to honor God and trying to become more like Jesus, all with the promise of eternal life that is joyous beyond our wildest dreams!  Yet when a loved one goes to heaven we are saddened for days, weeks, months, or sometime years.  Aren't we looking at it backwards?  Shouldn't we be happy for this loved one to have reached the starting line, instead of being sad because we think they have reached the finish?  I know it's a difficult thought to wrap our heads around but if your grieving a loved one, doesn't matter whether it's a pet, parent, sibling, or friend, try to think only of the great things they had done while here on earth and understand that as profound as those things were, the life they have now is even better!!  I guarantee you will start to feel better about your loss, I know I did with Duchess.  

     So I guess "they" were right after all, time really does heal all wounds.  But it doesn't heal them by making us forget the loved one we've lost, rather redirecting our thoughts of this loved one to remembering only the great things, and understanding that what they have now is even better!  Each time I see a flock of geese now I think of Duchess and I know she is waiting for me to come join her so she can show me retrieves that are even better than the ones in my memory right now:)

Remember, never forgotten, always remembered, always loved!

God got a good one

     Twelve and a half years ago my life as I knew it changed for good when my first true love came into my life, Duchess Shelby Lucky Girl, more commonly referred to as Duchess, Duchess Dog, or just Duch.  I made the decision to get a dog about 6 months before the accident that changed my life, little did I know just how big of a role this little tiny black lab who I found in Laurel, MT was going to have in transforming me into the man that I am today. Duchess was right by my side from day one, filling my life with love and chewing things up like it was her job:)  Anyone who knows me understands that the life I was living at this time was not really fit for myself, let alone my dog, yet every morning after I'd stumble awake after another night of bad decisions Duch was right there tail a wagging ready to go have some fun.  Her enthusiasm for life and binging me joy was never in doubt!

     After the accident while I was in the hospital she continued to show her resilience and love for me when my roommate brought her down to visit me and I walked out of the hospital to see a little black tail going back and forth from across the parking lot.  Even though I was in a hospital gown and pretty beat up she knew exactly who I was and was very eager to let me know that she still loves me, no matter what.  This love and admiration only blossomed after I got out of the hospital and we moved on with our lives, each day Duchess brought me more joy than I ever expected.  

     A few moves later and a couple years time gone by and now I had become an us as Duchess and I were officially a unit.  Then when we became a full blown family by falling in love with Kelli, Duchess held true to her character and although she made it clear that she was my first true love, she saw how happy Kelli made me and welcomed Kelli into our family by showing her the same love and devotion that I had received.  She protected her while Dad worked out of town, retrieved the tennis ball for however long Kelli would throw it, and gladly went on as many walks as Kelli wanted to.

     A couple years and a move or two later we broadened our family by bringing Duchess a sister.  Again she showed her loving side and welcomed Kashi into our family as though she belonged form the beginning!  The two of them immediately bonded and were forever sisters in every sense of the word.  I could go on for literally hours telling stories about all the amazing retrieves Duchess has made but I'll simplify it by telling you that no matter how many hunting dogs I come across in the future there will never be one as good as the Duchess Dog!  Her drive and energy towards bringing birds back to me was in explainable, you just had to see it with your own eyes to understand it.  

     Today after a fairly long battle with seizures as well as doggy dementia, Kelli and I decided it was time for Duch to cross the rainbow bridge.  We've known this day was coming for a couple months now, but as those who have also gone through this would tell you it doesn't matter how prepared you are it isn't easy.  We spent her last time on this earth by her side, holding her and petting her to let her know it was all going to be okay, and as she peacefully crossed over the bridge the tears streamed down our faces.  It has been easily the hardest day I have had to deal with in as long as I can remember, I only find sollice in knowing that one day I will meet her again and she will show that same love, joy and excitement as the day we first met, and that gives me something pretty dang sweet to look forward to!:)  I love you Duchess more than any of my puny little words could ever describe, I only hope that I gave you half the life you deserved!  I cannot wait to meet you in heaven my love where the sky is always full of birds and your bed is made of tennis balls!:)


Dear Duchess,
I wanted to also share what you have meant to me...

I first met you ten years ago and made the mistake of starting to play fetch not knowing this was a never ending game :)  You were two years old when I flew to California to see you and your dad for two weeks, you had fleas, peed all over the house, and chewed up everything in your path, I was slightly scared at what I was getting in to. It didn't take long to realize you were crazy but in the absolute best sense of the word.  It has came to my attention that we are absolutely alike, type A, regimented, control freaks who get pissed when we don't get what we want. 

But we adapted to each other... for years we were all we had during the week while your dad worked out of town.  Our daily walks forced me into exercise during the most stressful times  for me during college.  You protected me from a near break-in in our great falls ghetto house and for that I will always be indebted to you. 

I've had to go find you more times then I can count after you ran away chasing random things, after which you would look at me like you didn't understand why I was so scared, you had the way home covered.

I'm scared to go on from here not knowing really how to be without you, I knowingly signed up for this relationship knowing you and your dad were a pair, you get both or neither.

You were strong, beautiful, and smart.  I saw how much you helped Kyle get through the worst time of his life and that too is something I'm so grateful for.  Please know I know you couldn't stay and I'll take over from here. I promise you I'll take care of your dad and Kashi, if you promise to watch over us from above.

Love you Rainman
Mom

Remember, sometimes we have no choice but to physically let go of the ones we love, but we always have the choice to keep them in our hearts forever!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

     This special time of year I have been reminded of the true meaning of Christmas!  Kelli and I have kind of made it a tradition over the last few years to try something new each Christmas season, this seasons new events have included Christmas carols and tree lighting at a local Methodist church, and a candlight service last night at the Stevensville baptist church!  Combine this with a candlelight service at our church in spokane, they had candlelight services last Sunday for people like us who would be traveling, and it's been a very festive and fun holiday!

     Through all of the different things we have done this year and all the different denominations of churches we have gone to for things like the tree lighting and candlelight service on the road, I was gleefully reminded at each event of the real meaning of the season.  No matter where we are or what name is on the front of the church the common denominator has been the celebration of God becoming man!  And when I'm probably going to be the kid at heart who always wishes for a white Christmas, when I wake up to this I have nothing but thanksgiving and joy to give to the new born king!!  Joy to the world indeed!!

Remember, the true meaning of Christmas today!!:)

The end of an era

     This past weekend was one filled with highs and lows, as many of them are, but this one held some high sentimental values to it!  It all started on Friday morning when Duchess and I went duck hunting with Ryan and a friend of ours.  We have a pretty neat little spot we go to that's on the upper edge of a lake where a creek feeds and there is a patch of water about 20 feet wide that stays open nearly all year so the ducks just pile into it!  We got there early, set out our decoys and settled into the grass to wait for shooting light.  The cool morning fog was so dense it felt as though it was lightly raining and the closer we got to shooting hours the colder it felt, thankfully a full thermos of hot coffee kept me warm.  I have noticed this year Duchess has began to show the signs of her age for the first time on our duck hunts, having always hoped she'd be able to hunt until she dies I just ignored them though because she still showed the same drive and passion she always has.  But on this hunt when Ryan and Kris shot the first two ducks of the day I knew things had definitely changed when Duch ran right passed the first duck and couldn't find the second one, even after I pointed her in the direction of it.  I had thought that her senses, vision, hearing, and smell, were starting to slip a little, and when she couldn't see, or smell either of these ducks I knew they had slipped much more than I even imagined.  

     A little while after those first couple ducks Ryan got another one and after running around looking for it for about five minutes, she finally found it after nearly stepping on it.  We then went through a little lull in the action so I let Duchess off her leash to just roam around a little, something we've done tons of times before without worry.  This time she went out into the open section of the lake where the ice was working it's way towards the creek inlet we were set up on and after swimming her way out to the ice she tried climbing up on the ice.  She couldn't get up onto the ice and she wasn't responding to my calls to her to turn around which was very abnormal so I had to walk out to her so she could see me and understand she needed to just swim back where she came from.  I got her back in the blind and leashed her back up for good since she couldn't hear me I was concerned for her safety for the first time in her life.  Moments later Ryan shot another duck but it was hit poorly and it sailed into the trees and brush behind us, I got up to go look for it with Duchess but as I walked past Ryan and Kris I told them that the way Duch had been acting I didn't have high hopes of finding the bird.  Every hunter's worst fear is loosing game so tensions were a little high as Duch and I went into the trees.  We got into the thick of them and I knelt down next to Duch and spoke directly into her ear in the hopes that she would hear me say the phrase she's heard me say hundreds of times, "get the bird, hunt him up!"  I let her off her leash and witnessed something I will never forget, she started running around through the thick grass and brush, 12 year old nose pinned to the ground, and in less than 30 seconds she picked up a scent and went right to the duck who had burrowed his way under the thick bunch grass and flushed him out!  The duck was trying to fly away from Duch and she took one big lunge and snatched him right out of the air!!  For about two minutes she had the eyes, ears, and nose that have made her who she is, in my mind clearly a God thing:)

     She brought that bird back to me and I could see in her eyes that she could read my mind and we were both thinking the same thing right then, this might be the final retrieve of her career.  I could see the pride in her eyes as she brought that duck to me and I know she could see the pride in mine as I'm pretty sure I was starting to tear up!  This entire waterfowl season she has just not quite been the same, she still had the same desire to be out there every single time, she just wasn't the same girl once the hunt started.  She has given me so many moments in the blind that I will never forget, but this lone drake mallard was hands down the best!  Under the circumstances it easily catapults to the top of a long list of amazing retrieves!  As we came out of the trees, bird in hand, Ryan and Kris couldn't believe it.  I was so proud of my girl that I couldn't come up with the words to describe just how awesome her retrieve was, and yet at the same time I was holding back tears as I knew that was going to be the last bird she would ever bring back to my feet.

     I knew this day would eventually come, and I admit that I've been a little naive thinking that my 12 year old lab could continue to hunt like she was 3 for the rest of her life, but never the less it isn't any easier of a decision to retire her from hunting.  After the day we shared on Friday and the emotions I went through I don't even want to think about how I'll react when her time on earth is up!  I think it's best if I just don't think about that:)  After a heavy day of emotions though things turned around on Saturday as I celebrated 12 years of sobriety!!  I did the math and I've officially been sober now for longer than I drank!  That's a very cool feeling as I know that nothing that I have accomplished in life could have been achieved while I was tied to my addiction.  I am so thankful each and every day for every one who continues to support me, I live every day knowing that I have the love and support of the best team anyone could ask for!

Remember, like the gambler said, you gotta know when to fold em, know when to hold em.

Reason #21

     Well it has been a long time already since I posted on her and even longer since I've posted another reason I love this girl.  So here it is, reason number 21 why I love this girl, her never ending support of all of my crazy thoughts!  Almost on a daily basis I come up with some sort of a hair brained idea that is so far out of left field that most people would choose either to ignore me and walk away, or tackle me and check me into the nearest mental ward!  Kelli on the other hand just smiles and supports me in all of my craziness.  Now that's not to say she hasn't had either one of the previously mentioned thoughts cross her mind while listening to my ideas, but most of the time she has the patience and trust to at least let me try it and support me through the process.

     So when I have a desire to ride a train in Northern WA along a scenic old rail line, rather than hesitating because trains really aren't her thing, she jumps at the chance to go up there with me.  She understands that even at 37 years old I still think trains are pretty much the coolest things on this planet, and she gets how even though I never got to meet my Grandfather who I get my middle name from, that I feel extremely connected to him in ways that are hard to describe and spending the day on the train only grows that connection.  Kelli could have very easily came up with more than enough reasons to put off the train ride, but instead she supports me in my quirky little desires and went up there this fall with me and enjoyed the ride.

     And then again this fall when I asked her if I could buy waterfowl hunting licenses in two different states, neither of which we live in, she could have just said no and made me pick one or the other.  But she recognizes that the older my dog Duchess gets the more I feel like taking her hunting as often as possible, understanding that Duch and I share a special bond and that each time we are in the duck blind we are completely filled with joy!  Duchess can be a little demanding at times so it would be very easy for Kelli to simply not care about Duchess's desires and not let me hunt as often as I do, but again she supports all of my ideas and allows me to take my baby girl to the duck blind as often as her aging old body will allow.  

     They say that a good marriage consists of equal parts of getting what we want and compromise, well I must have won the matrimonial lottery because I feel like I married the girl who pretty much lets me do any one of the crazy ideas that come to my head!  Whether it's a hunting trip, a train ride, a house remodel idea, or something as simple as trying a new recipe, each time I bring one of my crazy ideas to Kelli she thinks about it for a minute, and as long as the left field idea is still in the ballpark, she's all in and supportive in every way!  I am thankful each and every day to be married to the best girl in the world!  I know that sounds a little corny but I don't care, it's true!  Words will never be able to match how I feel about her but you can count on one thing, I certainly wont run out of reasons I love this girl any time soon!

Remember, some of the smallest things your spouse does for you result in the biggest rewards!

Hunting buddy

     This past weekend was a whirlwind to say the least!  Before we get into the details I'll give you the short story just in case you want to stop reading right here and get on with your day, I drove 730 miles to shoot 5 coots.  Now if you know anything about waterfowl hunting at all then your on the floor rolling with laughter right about now, or you might think that's a little ridiculous to drive that far in three days to hunt anything in which case you'd still be on the floor laughing your butt off.  Well I don't blame you.  I had grand visions of this being an epic waterfowl hunt that I would remember for years to come, although I wont soon forget the adventure, it wasn't exactly what I had in mind.

     It all started when dad and I drew swan tags for the Pacific flyway of Montana and planned a trip back to Freezeout Lakes where we have had quite a bit of success in years past.  I've already got one swan a couple years ago and I had no real desire to shoot another one but I knew putting in for the tag would at least get us out there and give my old hunting partner Duchess one more swan song, pun intended:)  She turned 12 this year and it is the first year in all 12 of them that she has started to show the signs of an aging dog so I wanted to make this a trip she would remember as well.  Dad and I got to Choteau late Thursday evening and went straight to bed so we would be well rested for the morning hunt.  The next morning as we sat on the bank of the lake and waited for the sun to come up we could hear a few swans on the water so our excitement began to rise.  Our hopes were crushed just as quickly as they rose though when about a half hour after the sun came up all 20 of the swans in the county lifted off the water and disappeared into the sky, never to be seen again!  Now as you may have figured out if there's no swans in the area then our hunt was pretty well doomed.  So we scrambled with some texts to Curtis down in Butte to see if there were any birds at Warm Springs and when he had his neighbor go check and reported back to us that there were thousands of them on the water, we packed up our stuff and headed south.

     We got to Butte Friday afternoon just in time for an evening hunt of pass shooting as birds came back to the water, this resulted in nothing so we made a plan for the following morning and headed back to Curt's.  The next morning we set out the decoys in a pond and had no luck drawing any ducks into our spread because there simply were no ducks in the air!  With it so warm still there just hasn't been any birds come down from up north so the hunting was pretty poor.  We relocated to a bank along another pond though for some late morning pass shooting and got 5 coots before we gave up for the weekend.  All in all the entire weekend was one of those classic hunting trips that seem to happen far too often for us Gannon's that result in little to no action but a pretty good story.  Every failed hunt has it's silver linings however and this one's was we got to spend a little time with the Skannons, and I got home a day early so I got to hang out with my in-laws for a night as they were here visiting Kelli during my hunt. 

     The biggest thing that happened on this trip that I was not happy with was the stark realization that my number one duck hunting buddy Duchess might be on the tail end of her hunting days.  I've known for years that she is not getting any younger and that this was bound to happen but each year that has come and gone she hasn't slowed down one bit, so I was kind of hopeful that she would stay the same until she wasn't with us anymore.  It's been one week since we left for our hunt and she's still walking like she's a little sore, and as she struggled to find the birds we had shot in the thick cattails I wonder if her senses are starting to slip just a little as well.  There's not many things worse than watching someone you love get older, all we can do is keep them comfortable and hope that they are not in too much pain.  When I was sitting on the bank with Duch, under the big blue sky, I couldn't help but think just how lucky I've been to have her in my life.  She has seen more tragedy in her life than most dogs would in three lifetimes yet she's stuck by my side through it all.  We sometimes joke that shes semi robotic and is on this earth for one purpose, to retrieve, as much as we joke about it I kind of envy her, at least she knows what her purpose is.  And she's been damn good at it!!  

     So as frustrating as this hunt was I still came home and started scouting areas around here for some good hunting with easy retrieving so I can get my old hunting partner out there as many times as her old body will allow her.  I can only imagine that is exactly what she would ask me to do if she could.  

Remember, even when things don't go exactly as planned there is fun to be had!