Over 13 years ago now I was in the apex of my alcohol addiction and it seemed like I spent most of my time trying to figure out how I could get myself out of my own way. I was convinced that I was smart enough to figure a way out of the mess I had created. Turns out all I really had to do was stop trying to figure it out and give full control of things over to God! It was when I finally did this that His miracle was worked on me and everything suddenly made so much more sense!
Today, so many years and life experiences having passed by, I find myself in a very similar situation. As most of you know Kelli and I took in our first foster placement exactly 14 months ago today. She has been an answered prayer and miracle for us in so many ways, and yet there is so much more going on around her that she is oblivious to yet dictates her entire future. Any one who has gone through the foster-to-adopt process will most likely refer to the journey as a roller coaster of emotions, or maybe a pendulum that continues to go back and forth. No matter the analogy they would use the purpose is the same in every case, to remind you that these situations often times go back and forth for quite some time before the child involved ever has any permanency.
We've affectionately been referring to our daughter as Simba, because we can't use her real name as long as she's in foster care, and since the day we've had Simba this particular roller coaster has been in constant motion! To give you an idea of what I mean this is literally how the state's decisions have gone since March 10th of last year, adoption, transition back, adoption, transition back, adoption, transition back, adoption, wait for it...transition back. I think you get the idea. Naturally this process has more or less turned what few brain cells I had left in my head after a solid career of drinking into a gelatinous slurry that can barely remember what day it is! My thoughts once again seem to be constantly consumed with trying to figure it all out! I feel like both Kelli and I have gone through every single phase of anger and frustration with each time they talk about a transition back home.
The reason for this frustration is simple, when the state talks about transitioning back home they're not talking about sending Simba back to a nice little 3 bed 2 bath in a cute little sub division within walking distance of a great school, they're talking about sending her back to first a transitional housing program, second a long term in patient treatment center, and last but not least the most recent one a half way house!! We have been told by the state that they do not consider homelessness as an endangerment to the child! That makes about as much sense as saying swimming with sharks is not considered an endangerment to my having functional appendages!
So today when the judge went completely against what the state wanted to do and granted a transition back home, yes to the half way house home, my first reaction was how the heck can I figure this out and get Simba out of this situation. After thinking about it for the last 7 hours what I have come up with is the same thing I came up with thirteen and a half years ago, STOP! I have nothing more I can do about this situation but to stop trying to figure it all out and literally enjoy every single second I have with this little girl! She has grown so much since we've had her and she learns more in one day than I ever have in a month! If I spend my free time stewing over how to get the system to work the way I think it should then I'm taking precious time away from Simba.
We quite literally have no choice but to turn it all over to God, ironically much like I did with my drinking, and trust that He has a bigger plan that was never intended for me to figure out! Even if that plan results in Simba not being a part of our life any more, as hard as that is to wrap my head around, I have to trust that He's got something bigger planned for all three of us and have faith in His plan. "No matter where you go, no matter what you do, we're gonna love you through and through" These are the lyrics of the last verse of a song Nana GG wrote for Simba and they carry so much more weight than I think GG ever intended them to in this moment! Stop trying to figure it out, and trust in God's plan!!
Remember, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
